Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Review: Twilight vs Walking

Few online games have reached the same level of legendary infamy as the infuriating QWOP. It's frustrating. It's bewildering. And, unfortunately, it's addicting. Meanwhile, the Equestria Gaming R&D department developed the Pony Proliferation Postulate: one minus the reciprocal of the Faust Constant to the power of internet notoriety times time since the premier of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is equal to the probability of content ponification, or P(p) = 1 - (1/F)tN. The brilliant Donitz applied one to the other and discovered it was high time we controlled a jelly-legged Twilight Sparkle attempting to cross her own floor. 

C'mon, guys, QWOP with ponies. Read on after the break! [WARNING: SOME SPOILERS]


Playing this game would be a completely different experience if one controlled two different pony muscles per leg, as in QWOP. While Twilight vs. Walking is markedly easier than QWOP (Twilight's four relatively stable legs, along with checkpoints between rooms, allow you to take breaks) and shortens the play time. However, the resulting control scheme is infinitely preferable to QWASOPL:.

Your epic odyssey begins in Twilight's upstairs bedroom, and, over the course of three levels, almost to the front door. You'll stride gallantly over mighty book forts - if you can make it there. Twilight vs. Walking has replaced QWOP's insolent hurdle with a much scarier flight of stairs. It's not as great an obstacle as it appears, but expect to bobsled down at least your first couple of times. 

"Spike, take a note. My foreleg seems to have melded with my flank."

In an unforeseen twist (this is the spoiler, if you haven't figured that out already,) just as you're about to cross the final room, a chasm opens in the floor and Twilight seems to plummet into an infernal pit. Red light glows from somewhere below as your body fades to black and breaks apart, adding an air of darkness to an otherwise cheerful game. An alarm clock rings, explaining your failure to walk and your lack of a horn away as elements of a dream.

Twilight Sparkle vs. Walking fully serves it's purpose as a QWOP clone. It's tough to complain about the responsiveness and ease of the controls in a game where that's intentionally the problem. If you liked QWOP, this is a pretty great game. If QWOP isn't your type of game, well... you're probably not reading this. Twilight Sparkle vs. Walking snags a peachy Spike Grade.